My faith has always been strong, unwavering, and unshaken. Without
going into detail, recent months have challenged me to a point where I
questioned even the most basic spiritual lessons I had learned or been taught.
Referred to as an eternal optimist even when things do get to me occasionally, I always manage to pick myself up and carry on with a smile and a positive attitude – no matter what gets thrown my way.
However, years of struggle finally got to me and so I withdrew from everything spiritual, and I questioned.
And so I took myself away from everything spiritual (so, no blog for a while) and I questioned.
I had to go deep, and, being one of those people who
over-think and over-analyse, that’s exactly what I did.
After a few weeks and seriously considering an old atheist friend and his belief that any spiritual practice simply provided a crutch, I had to wonder if he was right. Perhaps that’s exactly what we’ve created for our own piece of mind. We don’t want to believe that we live only to die and rot in the ground. No after-life, no heaven, paradise, Havana or Nirvana.
If that’s the case then what’s the point of our existence? And if that’s all there is, how are we better than any other creature? Why do we work so hard? We can simply exist, just be.
This led to a definite sense of loss and a feeling of despondence. I felt as if I had lost my closest friend, my strongest ally, my faith. I was in a state of heartache experiencing a sense of betrayal and decided if there is a God, universe, whatever, I didn’t want to communicate. I needed some time to myself and like a sulking teenager that slams the door behind her, I took it.
I had to go back through the years of my spiritual unfolding. My parents never dictated our religion. As children, they told us we were free to choose our path when we were older. My mother was raised as Catholic, my father was Lutheran and both of them examined other faiths open-mindedly. They believed firmly that all faiths have a measure of truth and good principles, and this became my outlook too, that all religions are right, all have their place and provide for those who are at a particular stage of their spiritual evolution. It’s not for me to judge their journeys.
Thankfully, we grew up accepting people's rights to practice whatever faith they chose. I explored. Catholic, Baptist, Evangelical, Mormon, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism and Islam. Over the years I was baptised, converted and reverted.
From childhood, I knew I was a healer, and that it
involved energy although I couldn’t express it at the time. Wicca and Paganism
came naturally but still didn’t quite fit ME. Finally, I
discovered that there was a word for what I believed and now identify as an Omnist.
So then back to my questions, did I conjure up a demon as a
child (I remember it clearly), or do they exist, and if I did, why? My
glimpses into past lives, were those a figment of my imagination? If they were
why didn’t I invent something better? Telepathy, physic moments, clairaudience,
were all of these experiences of my own making, or was there something larger?
If I was on the “right” path all this time, trying to be good, do good, and be the
best I could, why am I not seeing the benefits? Why did I choose this journey,
and is it possible for me to throw the towel in? Can I simply say to the
universe, “Okay, I’ve had enough; I obviously can’t handle what I signed up
for, so pull me off this assignment.”?
I am not a mean person, have seldom wished bad things on
others, and always try and lift others up, so if there is such a thing as karma,
isn’t it time for me to have some sort of respite?
Anyway, you get the idea.
When I got to the stage of acceptance (as you do when
grieving), hurting, I chose to open myself up for communication once more and
see what happened.
The next day I received a book as a gift. It contains a message from a guide and is recorded by date. It directs toward a sense of connectedness, of being part of the collective and the oneness of all. These are things I've explored and I put it aside after reading about 30 pages.
A couple of weeks later I had a dream with a specific date. It niggled at me, why
would I dream of a particular date, what did it mean? Out of curiosity I opened
the book and found a passage recorded for that day. The passage addressed exactly
how I had been feeling, and why.
In Islam, unlike many other religions, one is encouraged to
question what is taught, investigate, pray, and seek counsel until a
satisfactory answer is received. My answer didn’t come from Islam, but it did convince me
that my spirituality wasn’t for nothing, it’s not a crutch. The passage I refer
to is about three-quarters through the book. “Someone” guided me there.
This is my journey, I don’t know where it will take me, I’ll
continue to meditate and look for answers, signs and validation. I have to
trust that I am being led in the right direction. Wherever it leads, I pray that
I maintain my integrity, honesty, and a sense of wonder.
If "Conversations With God" by Neale Donald Walsh appealed to you, you may want to check out his website and download the "Holy Experience". It's free and may help ground or elevate you, depending on your needs.
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